Trying to keep my cool

Aaaaaaaaaalrighty then! A few things have occurred that I have been meaning to talk about for the past few days. So, I think I should announce that me and al-Masri have been talking. There's no more hostility between him and I. Everything is fine now. We both realised that what he did was wrong and that he was a jerk and a dick and...what else? Well he knew was wrong in what he did and how he responded. I'm not saying I forgive him for what he said, but I do want to move on from that and quit hating him so much. Sooo, for the time being al-Masri shall remain on the BitchList until further notice.
On friday, my ex tried talking to me. Thing is, I haven't completely blocked him out of my life. He is unblocked on my MSN. So he messaged me asking why I 'had to be such a prick?' I swear this boy will never learn how to talk. A few weeks ago we spoke on the phone, things got out of hand, he raised his voice, and eventually swore. I said I didn't want to tolerate his behavior or him. So he kept swearing and I hung up. So on friday, he claims that he called back and only to 'apologise' for swearing. And he said that I was a jerk. I think this boy was daydreaming or on some good ass drugs cos there's no way he called back. I probably would have been a 'jerk', but after someone swears at you and says "You are the most phucked up person I have ever known", it's kinda hard to be nice and forgiving, and above all compassionate. He continued to talk about the good times, and how cute I am..bla bla bla. I don't know where he was trying to get at. But anyways, when I spoke to him I was at work. And since it's Ramadan, I just wander around the office or read a book. So I told him I'd be stepping away from my desk. That caught him off guard, he probably thought that I'd sit at my desk talking about the past and how few times we were actually happy. So he was like "ohhh..o..k" And I logged off. Later that afternoon I receive an email from his ex. Yeah, this is one thing I probably failed to mention. His ex-girlfriend was actually involved in our lives throughout our relationship. And he allowed her. Thinking that I was probably gonna stand up to her and reclaim my love. See, I may be the jealous type (to a certain degree) but if a guy is purposely TRYING to make me jealous, and especially with another female, I will casually tell her 'You can have my left overs'. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I told her a few years back. So this is the lovely email this biatch sends me....

"Shukran =) By letting go, you have done more good than you know Woman. God bless you and your family. Good luck in the future & inshallah you will find what you deserve. This email will be deactivated as requested (sorry I did not do this earlier, we had to make sure it was over). You can take it back when the hold period is finished.Ramadan Kareem & goodbye, Hiba."

First of all, I forgot to mention yet again that this girl stole my email account. I really don't know how, but ever since she has been emailing me from my old email account. And her name is not Hiba. Her name is Noora al-Khalifa, but she pretends there's a girl name 'Hiba', that actually knows Hman and her. She is pathethic. This girl is actually married. And yet she has been telling me to leave Hman for the past few years. If I were her husband, I'd beat the crap outta her for being involved in her x's life. Anyways, I responded to her. It's been 7months since me and Hman have actually been together. And I can't believe she is into all this drama! Must be that her life is sooooooo boring and pathethic that she finds the need to intrude in other people's lives. How sad is she :( boo hoo. Well, she responded to my email by saying:

"That brings releif to all our hearts, congratulations. Inshallah your new life keeps you busy and our paths no longer cross. The entertainment you received was the difference between the success & destruction of a pure human being. But alhamdilah the web of bad has been brought down, and we can all walk away for the better knowing the right thing was done and we are all better now without it. Take care of your people Woman. Bye."

Ok, I realise that sometimes when a foreigner learns a new language, they might be better at it than a native speaker. But I reeeeeeeeally think she is trying way too hard to sound mature and meaningful. Her english is retarded. That's just it. And what does "Take care of your people" mean?! She's a loser. And Hman is a loser. And now I'm starting to feel that they are both in on it. Tag Team! Reeeeeeetaaaaaaaaards! I'm past it. Ohhh and "our paths no longer cross". Oooooook! wateeeeeeeev! While I lived in Fuckrain, she would go out of her way to look for me. She knows how I look like up close. But I don't even remember her. All I have is a picture of her. Aaaaaanyways, I think she's going to hell for TRYING to make me angry while I was fasting. That's just what I think.

I had futoor at my house yesterday. I had a prior engagement. So I didn't have much time to cook and my friend Slim said that him and his room mate Yass would help me in everything. So I rushed home to prepare the space where we'd be at. Once everyone arrived everything was cool, a tad hectic, but all good. The boys really came through and cooked a lot of things. I was shocked and thankful. Here in the States I'm not lucky nor rich enough to have a maid, so I have to be the one running around making sure everyone is served and happy. I thought I did a good job at that. But, I just found out that according to Khaleeji Standards, my performance was poor. It upset me. But now, I'm like oh well. I opened my lovely home to Saudis that don't have family here so that they could have a nice and fun futoor. I made sure eveyrone was comfortable. But apparently that wasnt enough. I tried. That's all I gotz to saaay. Waaaaaaaaish.

Wattafeck

I'm really upset with my dream this morning. I aaaaaalways, without a doubt, think about Hman after I wake up for fajr prayer. And after I climb back into bed, I have the hardest time going back to sleep because he's on my mind and the thought of him being with someone else upsets me at that given time. But then during the day when I'm out and about the thought doesn't really bother me...not really. I guess I just don't dwell on it during the day. So this morning after fajr I had a good dream, which is why I'm upset. It's a good dream that I know won't come true. From what I remember right now, I went on holiday with my family, and Hman arrived where we were at and surprised me. I was so happy to see him. It was great. I hugged him and kissed him and he was soo happy to see me as well. I just remember being all over him because it all seemed like a dream (which it WAS!) I remember looking out a window, and seeing green freshly cut grass, beautiful houses, and a pond with a fountain in the middle. It was a beautiful scene. But I wasn't a part of it. I was inside a house looking out. And I wasn't sad as I looked out, I was pretty content.
I really don't know what these dreams are about. All I know it that I'm single. Wow..this is the longest I've ever been single. It's weird. I'm still not use to it. I REALLY have to get out there and DO something. I keep moping about this stupid love life. Which should only take up 20% of my life. I need to be more active. I should really focus on things that actually matter, and quit bitching about petty crap like this. I need to travel and meet new people. I shall! WHO'S WITH ME!?

It's not you...it's ME..so effin' what?!

YUP! It's me! Sooo i had kinda promised myself that I wouldnt talk to any guys during Ramadan. But al Tunisi kept forcing his way in. So I said.."aaaaalright boy, just for a little bit (diiiiirty minds!) I decided to talk to him for a bit. We talked things over last week. We decided to meet towards the end of Ramadan. We are both serious, so perhaps we could decide what we could do before he leaves to Tunis. He went as far as saying "we were meant to be together..." A little cheesy and a tad too optimistive but..cute indeed. So, again, FACEBOOK became the issue. A few months ago I happened to see that he had a profile on facebook that I wasn't able to view. I could only see his friends list and send a message. Sooooooo, after I saw that 9.5/10 girls on his facebook were females, i was like "Ewwwwwwww, He's a man WHORE!!!" So being the drama queen that I am, I made a big deal out of it. He brushed it off. I said "ohh welll screw it" and I got over it, but I still added him is as friend, and I was waiting for him to accept the friend request. Which he said he hadn't accepted because he is hardly online..bla bla bla.So now that we decided to get serious, I happened to search for his profile I noticed that he changed his profile pic. I still couldn't view his profile because it's semi private. And to top it off I can't even view his friends list. So I sent him a message, hoping to hurt him kinda...I said I did not wish to meet. Because I felt uncomfortable (his facebook profile deprivation) and he responded like an hour later "Ok...whatever makes you happy!!!!!!..etc etc" He said something else about dragging things and making the situation worse bc nothing serious was done. Dragging what?! I'm not purposely dragging things. Why would someone who CLAIMS to want to get serious deprive their "significant" other of an online social networking profile? He's a mature man, WHY WOULD HE EVEN HAVE FACEBOOK TO BEGIN WITH?!!! Ok...you're probably asking yourself..."what about you Woman? Aren't you a little old to have a facebook?" And my answer to you all is "NO!" I realise that it's only a facebook account. I shouldn't really care or really waste my time arguing about something so small and insignicant...BUT THAT'S JUST IT. If he's hiding something so minute as this it really makes me wonder what else he's hiding. I really don't like people that try to make themselves seem to be really good and pious. Why would you want someone to accept you for something that you're not? I saw that a lot overseas when I was living there. The girls in Fuckrain(wee lil island in the , try to seem so sweet and innocent, but after I got into the car with them, Lord have mercy! My mother always said "You have to be very cautious with the quiet ones." I don't like to hide things from people. If I have to fart, I just let it rip *pleeeeeeeeeeb* haha. I'm just messing witcha. All I'm saying is QUIT TRYING TO SEEEEEM LIKE YOU'RE SOOO INNOCENT AND PURE HEARTED. Another thing, I hate those people that especially throw it out there. I don't think its acceptable for someone to refer to themselves as 'pure hearted'. That's a word that someone can use to describe you! I think it's really arrogant if you use it on yourself.
I'm becoming more and more upset. And I'm fasting so perhaps I should just keep myself busy doing something else. Perhaps...WORK! Geeeeeeeeez Louise! I am procrastinating!!!! Stupid Boys! I blame them!!!! May God have no mercy on them for keeping me preoccupied from fasting properly and doing my work!!!

Rawmadawn

Well First of All....RAMADAN MUBARAK!
It's been a little over a week since Ramadan began. I am really happy about Ramadan this year!!! Last Ramadan, I was so weak and Hman had cancelled the wedding on Sept. 1st so things weren't going so well with me. I was in a deep state of depression. But al7amdullah this year things are so much brighter.
The weather has changed. As soon as Ramadan began it started to get chillier outside. Which is good for us living in the U.S. It sure beats the scorching heat during Ramadan. The cold autumn weather reminds me of the past. I know it may seem stupid and rather obvious. But I become nostalgic. I could clearly remember all the dates I've had. I have met so many nice men in the past. But why am I so lonely now? I'm starting to think it's me in some way. I subconsciously push men away. If I allow myself to dwell on the fact that I'm lonely right now, I will eventually fall back into depression. Last years' depression lasted about 8months. And a few days ago I began to fall, but I held my head up high and said "OHHHH HEEEELL NAAAAAW! EFF YOU DEPRESSION! *punches depression in the face*" I'm trying to keep my spirit high and firmly holding on to hope. Because I know that there's someone out there who's perfect for me. Who will accept all my flaws (which are not many! :P ) and who will love me for I am, not who I can become. I know he's out there. I just pray that God puts him on my path soon. I know he will come to me when I least expect it. Sooo..I'm gonna start 'pretending' like I dont care...and like I'm not expecting anything hehehe. It's aaaaall good. For now, I'm gonna simply focus on Ramadan, my family and friends. We're all healthy and that's all that matters!

!@#$%^

The first thing that comes to mind is "FUCK 'EM!" And by them I mean Hman and al-Masri. It's been a while since I last wrote a post. So after Hman, I started speaking to al-Tunisi and Al-Masri. Hman came back a few times asking to work things out. Hmmm.. ok perhaps not asking but just assuming that we'd get back together. I was expecting him to say something like "Woman, i was thinking, I am not willing to live the rest of my life without you. You fullfill me. I want you to be the mother of my children...." But he came back saying something along the lines of "you were wrong in breaking us up. you always have to mess things up. I'm gonna be in Chicago in a few weeks..if you're interested.." WWWWTFFFFFFFF!!! IF im interested? In what? mating? humping like bunnies? Free sex without having a guilty conscience? No really. Why dont men know how to talk? THEY know what women want to hear. They know the freakin' words. So why not conjugate them in a bloody sentence? So, basically, this occured a few times. Hman would come back and talk to me. But I'd become impatient because he was non challant and carefree the next day, wouldn't call or sms. (keep in mind he in his country, Fuckrain, not in the Chi with me) NOTHING. I wonder why he ever bothered asking for us to work things out if he was putting no effort into working on the relationship. Talk is cheap.

So I have been talking to al-Tunisi for 2 months. He seems like a good guy. He has A LOT of great qualities. We haven't quiet met exaaaaaactly. We sms and talk on the phone. Which is good so far. And we have been talking about meeting in the near future.

I was also talking to Al-Masri. This is a man that I've know for 11 years. Who has meant a lot to me. But now I'm just starting to feel as though he's all talk. We're both at that age and points in our lives where we should be able to get serious in a relationship. In the past it was child's play. We've known each other since we were young and were too caught up in our worlds' and in our studies and we couldn't get into a steady relationship. But now, when he has been given the option of actually getting something started he seems to be quite stupid. Jokes constantly about what could happen. The humor lightens things up, but too much is like "OK, MASRI, shut the fuck up and talk seriously!" He constantly brags about the thousands, if not millions, of girls that ask to wed him (wed, not wet hehe). And how girls from the elite class in Egypt and Princesses from the Middle East throw themselves onto him. So what am I suppose to respond to that? "Wow..really? That's hot!" Wutever,ass.

So just today, liljrsonofabitch is joking around, as usual, and we got into a little bit of a quarrel. I commented on a post that was on his facebook(yess its suppose to be a cleaner version of Hi5 or myspace) The girl who wrote to him obviously has something going with him. He didn't even deny it! He said he was insulted and he said goodbye and logged off. Again, I was like WWWWWWTFFFFFFF. He has the fuckin' nerve. I'm done with petty shit like that. My ex was the same. There's no way in feckin' hell I'm gonna go through this again. I am now aware of the little signs at the beginning of any relationship. Him being this careless and offensive...is a clear warning sign. So I sayzzzz to ma self...FUCK IT!

I'm thinking of focusing on al-Tunisi. Hman and al-Masri have just gotten BitchListed. And if they dont want to man up, they can suck my right nut. I'm through with their arrogance.

That's it for now. I'll see what happens later on today....

Khalas

He was doing a lot of things lately that really hurt my feelings. I don't matter to him anymore. Maybe it was simply just too late. I thought that if I just cleaned up my act then everything would fine. I made drastic changes. Changes that would benefit both of us. But now I see that it wasn't all my fault. Three years is a long time. I was never in this relationship with malicious intentions. I learned to love him day after day, month after month, year after year. Until I got to point now that I was doing everything possible to help us prosper and have a future. I felt like it was going to be worth it in the long run. But he was just expecting me to do everything, it drained all my energy and I couldn't possible go on. When I came back from his country, my heart was so bruised and begging for me to put an end to it. I quickly patted my heart and pushed it even further, knowing that my heart couldn't endure any more pain. I abused my heart. I kept forcefully pushing it forward eventhough it kept sinking and begging for me to have mercy on it.

I learnt to control my temper. I learnt to have hope and faith. I learnt to respect my partner and refrain from cursing. I learnt to express myself in healthier ways. I'm glad I learnt to do all those things in a matter of a few months. And God willing I'll be able to continue to do them for the rest of my life. Now I need to learn how to take care of my heart. I will of course not be selfish, but I will look after my heart and devote all the attention that I could not give it during my times of desperation. I'm going to nourish and nurture my heart and make it healthy again. And, God willing, it expand and regain its health. Maybe by then I will be able to find someone that I will trust enough and that will deserve my heart. Maybe that's the way things ought to be.

Goodbye Hman. One day you'll look back and your heart will sink. Your eyes will burn with the stream of tears that will seem endless. Your life will be empty and pointless. You'll long to see my smile. You'll miss my scent. You'll regret pushing me away.

Trying to remain hopeful...

I'm really upset. Why is Hman so difficult? He's successful as far as work goes, but sometimes I wonder whether he has ever spoken to a woman. I waited year after year in hopes that he'd feel comfortable with me and open up to me. And after 3 years he remains the same hermit he's always been. I changed. I am a great catch! Yes I will remain on my high horse!!! Because I know I am a great girl who will love to the fullest and I will be the ideal wife! All I ask in return is affection,loyalty, love, and conversation. HONESTLY, is that a lot to ask for? In exchange to the millions of things I'm willing to do?! I hate to toot my own horn but I could definitely be a great housewife, working woman, and above all a great mother. I KNOW IT!

I can't stand this half ass relationship he's been giving me. If I ever did the same, which im sure he thinks I couldnt devote myself to someone that wasn't open and straight forwarded with me. How does anyone think they deserve so much when they're not even honest and sincere with you?

And as I write this entry now, I told him "khalas". I can't stand it anymore. I've been alone for so long, and to wave around a relationship that doesn't seem to pick up, isn't what I want to tolerate anymore. I want to love. I want to be loved. I want to be in love. I want to spend my evenings with someone. I want to share laughs with someone. I do have great friends and family. No complain there! I just want to be in love. I'm not asking for much :( Or am I?

After the storm there was calmity

It has been so difficult trying to write new posts. I need to carry my laptop with me from now on. So, it's been about 2 weeks since I've been talking to Hman again. Things are progressing, I think. I mean, as far as us getting along. Like I said before, I normally expect to see sudden changes right away, but since "he" is involved in the foundation then I should just accept and realise that the process will be slow. The transition from party girl to low-key girl has been rather smooth and quick.

We've been talking daily sorta kinda. After the break up I changed my mobile number. And to this day I have not given him the new one. I use to be a slave to my mobile. I would carry it EVERYWHERE WITH ME. To the washroom, to the gym, to kitchen, to the laundry room...no lie! And at work I'd have it right next to my keyboard, and as soon as I would see the phone light up I'd pray it was Hman. And when it wasn't news from him, I'd roll my eyes and cuss at the person who sms-ed me and delete their msg. So after changing my number I learnt to spend hours away from my phone. I hardly carry it with me. I hardly call anyone. I hardly sms anyone. I'm NO longer a slave to my mobile!

Hman and I communicate through email or msn. For now, it's been better this way. At the same time I can't help but have this unsettling feeling in my gut. We're civil, we're nice to each other, we're not arguing, there's truly a sense of calmity between him and I. And I'm SURE this can continue for a lifetime. But then what? In these past few weeks I took a good look at myself. In the past I have had the lowest self-esteem. But it was because of the shitty long distance relationship him and I had. It really affected me. He didn't like my lifestyle and what I considered as "fun times". So after years of struggling, I decided "screw it, i dont want that party-drunken life style!" I kicked it to the curb definitely. I'm a much happier person. I'm calm. If I gain weight I no longer have to kick myself in the ass for drinking so much. The weight gain is due to all the FABULOUS and DELICIOUS food I've been eating on all those nice dinner dates I've had with my girlfriends.

This pure life style is great! But of course it makes me wonder "If this is everything he's ever wanted, why does he choose to stay so far away?" And a part of me believes that he's just playing it safe. He probably thinks that my life style choice is just a temporary thing and that soon enough I'll want to go back to my old ways. Perhaps I should just be patient. This serene life style is helping me appreciate the simple things in life. I enjoy sitting at home watching the telly with my mum. I enjoy playing catch with my dog, Winston. These are small things that I am now looking forward to.

I walked into "Kohler" yesterday. I stepped out to make an office errand, and getting back to the office was not urgent. Two years ago I helped Hman pick out and decorate the apartment that we were "suppose" to be living in after we got married. We were back in his country and we went to all those bathroom and kitchen remodeling stores. My heart was not fully into the whole "picking out bathroom sinks" deal. I guess a part of me knew back then that we weren't going to get married and there was surely no point in getting ecstatic and happy about picking out home remodeling stuff. But yesterday when I was at Kohler alone, I was so happy. I was in awe with all the bath tubs and shower heads, and even toilet seat! I was thinking to myself that perhaps I should JUST buy a house. I do have a bit of debt but buying a house will be something to look forward to. If I buy my own house I'd be able to choose ANYTHING I want. All the colors and textures, sinks, bath tubs, shower heads, wall paint, shower curtains, all the lighting fixtures I WANT. I wouldn't have to negotiate with my significant other. I'm sure not good at doing that. It takes me years! But yeah, I think I want to buy my own house. And theeeeeen consider getting married. I think it's a splendid idea! Good job, Woman! So with this new mature mentality, does it mean I'm growing away from Hman? There were times when I couldn't imagine, nor did I want to, life without him. But now I'm looking forward to the future and purchasing something so big as a home by myself. I will allow the next few weeks determine what road I should take. My eyes are widely open. I'm actually taking the reigns and gaining control. I could get use to this ;)

Al Nakbah

You know what really grinds my gears? The 60th Anniversary of the Birth of Israel. It's been 60 effing years that such a repulsive, criminal, occupational peace of shit establishment has been existing. Perhaps I shouldn't say "existing" because doing so would give them too much importance. But nevertheless, the criminals have been occupying Palestine for the last 60 years. And that's just WRONG! I hate the MSN/Yahoo articles that state "Israel: triumph and victory...60 year anniversary." I want to punch the phucker who wrote such an article. If you consider killing innocent women and children, or leaving the ones that survived fatherless, a triumph, then you are just SICK! Mass migration to a country and then claiming it yours is ILLEGITIMATE. The U.S bitches about immigrants and huge waves of immigration in that past couple of years. Yet at the same time they have been backing migration to Israel for the past 60 years and allowing for the state of Israel to be unlawfully established. Migration to Palestine is acceptable, but Migration to the U.S is unacceptable,is that right? I don't see Mexican nationals coming to the U.S and trying to confiscate land to expand Mexico. I look at the pictures of the Palestinian Diaspora and the sadness in their eyes drives a dagger straight into my heart. One day, inshallah, that sadness and meloncholy will no longer subsist in their eyes and hearts. The Palestinians will one day rejoice and reposses the Land. The Promised Land will be THEIRS. The Jewish Nation broke the covenant thousands of years ago, they lost their opportunity in God's eyes. In the end, the trespassers will cry rivers of blood. And Falasteen will once again thrive and prosper, INSHALLAH! Can I get a "Takbir" ?

In limbo...

I don't even know where to begin....
I've been wanting to desperately write a new post. I was afraid of logging in and doing so at work because of all the nosey bastards that always find a reason to come by my desk. They'll be talking but staring straight at the screen. How RUUUUUUUUUUDE! I know its work and all and perhaps I should be doiiiiiiing my work, but I know I NEVER do that to another co-worker. I have manners! They apparently dont.
Last week I spoke to Hman. I unblocked him from msn (i had to block him because it would kill me to know he was logged on and wouldnt even bother messaging me.) So, i unblockd him and we started to talk. The only way to describe our conversations is by using the word "civil". Our dialogues are definitely not like they use to be. But we definitely aren't arguing like before. I asked him to allow us to get back together. He said no without hesitating. He has his reasons, and I finally see why. There were times that I was not the best gf/fiance. I admit. It really blows that it took me a huge break up, and losing him to finally realise that what I was doing was wrong. But I do hold 'distance' a vital reason of why I couldn't control myself. We had a long distance relationship(im talking about looooong distance, seas between us and shit!). Overall I loved/love him. But having him away for 75% of the time killed me and obviously drove me to do stupid things. Many will argue, "but if you claim to love him so much why would you hurt him so many times?" 1) I was insecure most of the time. 2)I felt like i needed to see someone face to face here. I needed some physical interaction ,in other words. 3)He wasn't a saint himself, he did do some dumb things, which lead me to do STUPID things. I always do things on a much larger scale. I'm NOT saying Im proud of what I've done. I'm just pointing out the difference. So, yeah, that was basically it. I know things would have been so much different had he lived here.

I know you can't CHANGE a person. They will always remain the same. I just wish he was more open. Not open-minded. I've ALREADY accepted the fact that he is a very traditional close minded man. And in many ways, I love that about him. But I just wish he was more comfortable around me. It's been years, and he still doesn't put his wall down. I feel like that has stopped us from progressing. What can I do to make him open up to me?
I've never had to deal with someone so complicated and stubborn. He isn't "a challenge". I don't just want to solve this problem. I want to definitely rebuild a healthy and strong foundation with Hman. He finally agreed to it. I guess I just expect things to progress quickly. They sure aren't. He's still keeping to himself. He still isn't comfortable. He still isn't at ease. I don't know what else to do. I pray for patience and strength. I've seen my faults and I know I definitely want to change my lifestyle. He would hate for me to go out and drink. It's obvious that would piss any boyfriend off, but he hated me going to certain places which he thought would ruin my reputation. I was blind to see that. I didnt see anything wrong in what I was doing. I had to keep busy while he was away. I just kept telling him "then MARRY me already!" But that wasn't a good reason to marry someone. Its wrong to marry someone just so they'd stop going out and drinking. That only gives a marriage a rocky start. I was so stupid.

I have matured these past few weeks. I don't know if y'all will believe me or not. But I definitely know I have. My eyes have seen all the wrong and poisonous things that affected our relationship. I actually saw it and said to myself "Holy shit, HE WAS RIGHT THE WHOLE TIME! Wtf was I thinking!" Seeing it with my two eyes was the only way of understanding it tho. Losing him and being alone made me appreciate what we had. Maybe I'm stating the obvious. That's life for ya.

I'll keep you all updated on the foundation progress. Inshallah things come together, and he'll loosen up and put down that wall. All I can do is pray, and keep my word. There's no way I'll go back to my old ways.

Disturbing dreams

Last night I had another dream. And again H-man(my ex) was in it. It was so weird and uncomfortable. It made my stomach queasy. And I just couldn't stop thinking about him all day. Which totally sucks, because I can't seem to function properly when he's on my mind. In my dream I remember being back in his country. I remember being in his living room, where we'd spend most of our time. We were very close to having sex, when all of a sudden we heard his mother approaching the living room and we panicked and sat on different sides on the couch. Then we somehow were back in the U.S and we were in what seemed to be my house. And again we were about to have sex. I was wearing, what I thought was something, cute and sexy. But before we were going to do it, he started complaining about what I was wearing. I remember feeling so down because I knew that it wasn't what I was wearing the turned him off, but rather, me :(. I hated him so much in my dream. I lay in bed half awake and half asleep, and I was analyzing my dream and his personality. He wasn't attentive, nor was he romantic. All I could think about after my dream was that the only thing he liked was having sex with me. He always said he fantasized about me. But in the last few months he was talking about threesome and what not. He always said that I should feel comfortable about it because it was just "fantasy" and never real. But after those talks, I realize that perhaps that was his way of distancing himself from me. And it was my fault for going along with it and feeding into it.

After the dream I felt disgusted. Yesterday, I felt so good. I was on cloud 9, because I told myself "I'm moving on and it's his loss not mine!". And now I'm feeling like shit. A few days ago he said "Leave me alone. I've moved on. For my own sanity I can't be in this relationship." There was many times in the past when I felt the same. We'd have a lot of break ups, but never in the 3 years that we were together did he say that to me. Three years for me is a long time. Our families got to know each other through the phone (his family lives overseas and mine in the U.S) He stayed at my parents' house when he came to town. And I stayed at his parents' house whenever I went overseas. We had planned to get married. We named our first born child. We could have been happy, but sadly he paid attention to those people at work. It wasn't even his family that got involved in our break up! But rather the pathetic people at work! And to make matters worse, his ex-gf. He rejected me, and casted me out his life. Did I mean anything to him? I've had friends who have gone through similar problems, and I've always had something positive to say, because I always knew that their boyfriends would come running back to them. And now, I sit here and wonder if he'll come back to apologize for the pain he caused. If he came back and apologized then perhaps I wouldn't feel like shit. Perhaps it wouldn't have an affect on my self-esteem. How could his heart betray me?

In the beginning....

Okay, where to begin....

Hi! How are you? We haven't met quite yet. But something tells me, we will get along juuuuuuust fine.
Let me begin by telling you that I'm starting a fresh new life. Perhaps that is why I chose to start a blog. It's suppose to be therapeutic. For the past 3 years I lived an uncomfortable and unhappy life. All 3 years weren't miserable, but there was definitely less ups than downs. I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship. So now I'm done with that shit and I've decided to start all over again. Believe you me, a few days ago I was balling my eyes out, I couldn't imagine life without him, nor did I want to imagine it. But today, Thank God, I woke up feeling so much better about life and the future. I even had a dream. I'll briefly describe it. In my dream we were at war. I remember chaos and people running hysterically, bombs being dropped. I recall talking to my ex's sister, and she informed me that he had died. I was desperate to hear him, I didn't want to believe his sister. But I kept getting a busy tone. So basically, in my dream, he was dead. I had to find out what this dream meant. I was told that acknowledging someones death in dream means that the feelings for that person are dimishing. For a split second discovering what they dream meant, made me feel sad. But at the same time, I was glad that the roller coaster, poisonous, demeaning, relationship was finally over. I would no longer have to put up with someone that put me down so much. Who would make me feel like shit. Who would make me regret pouring out my heart. Or regret flying half way across the world, just to see him and discuss things face to face. Weeks ago I flew to his country (18hrs away) just to talk to him because I felt like he was being distant. I risked everything. I risked my job, I lied to my family and told them I was going to Dubai, I absolutely did not have the money to even get there. But I did whatever it took to go and see him. A week after I came back, we broke up. He didn't appreciate my trip nor the effort I put into it, or the many risks I faced. So he is a prick. That's all I can say. He deserves no respect from me.
So now that that's out of the way, perhaps I could be myself. Aside from that horrendous relationship, I actually have a good life. Sure, I complain a lot, but my resolution is to enjoy life a lot more, and appreciate what I have. It'll take some time, I suppose. And I'll make sure you are able to come on this adventure with me. I'm looking forward to it, and you should too! :P