Khalas

He was doing a lot of things lately that really hurt my feelings. I don't matter to him anymore. Maybe it was simply just too late. I thought that if I just cleaned up my act then everything would fine. I made drastic changes. Changes that would benefit both of us. But now I see that it wasn't all my fault. Three years is a long time. I was never in this relationship with malicious intentions. I learned to love him day after day, month after month, year after year. Until I got to point now that I was doing everything possible to help us prosper and have a future. I felt like it was going to be worth it in the long run. But he was just expecting me to do everything, it drained all my energy and I couldn't possible go on. When I came back from his country, my heart was so bruised and begging for me to put an end to it. I quickly patted my heart and pushed it even further, knowing that my heart couldn't endure any more pain. I abused my heart. I kept forcefully pushing it forward eventhough it kept sinking and begging for me to have mercy on it.

I learnt to control my temper. I learnt to have hope and faith. I learnt to respect my partner and refrain from cursing. I learnt to express myself in healthier ways. I'm glad I learnt to do all those things in a matter of a few months. And God willing I'll be able to continue to do them for the rest of my life. Now I need to learn how to take care of my heart. I will of course not be selfish, but I will look after my heart and devote all the attention that I could not give it during my times of desperation. I'm going to nourish and nurture my heart and make it healthy again. And, God willing, it expand and regain its health. Maybe by then I will be able to find someone that I will trust enough and that will deserve my heart. Maybe that's the way things ought to be.

Goodbye Hman. One day you'll look back and your heart will sink. Your eyes will burn with the stream of tears that will seem endless. Your life will be empty and pointless. You'll long to see my smile. You'll miss my scent. You'll regret pushing me away.

Trying to remain hopeful...

I'm really upset. Why is Hman so difficult? He's successful as far as work goes, but sometimes I wonder whether he has ever spoken to a woman. I waited year after year in hopes that he'd feel comfortable with me and open up to me. And after 3 years he remains the same hermit he's always been. I changed. I am a great catch! Yes I will remain on my high horse!!! Because I know I am a great girl who will love to the fullest and I will be the ideal wife! All I ask in return is affection,loyalty, love, and conversation. HONESTLY, is that a lot to ask for? In exchange to the millions of things I'm willing to do?! I hate to toot my own horn but I could definitely be a great housewife, working woman, and above all a great mother. I KNOW IT!

I can't stand this half ass relationship he's been giving me. If I ever did the same, which im sure he thinks I couldnt devote myself to someone that wasn't open and straight forwarded with me. How does anyone think they deserve so much when they're not even honest and sincere with you?

And as I write this entry now, I told him "khalas". I can't stand it anymore. I've been alone for so long, and to wave around a relationship that doesn't seem to pick up, isn't what I want to tolerate anymore. I want to love. I want to be loved. I want to be in love. I want to spend my evenings with someone. I want to share laughs with someone. I do have great friends and family. No complain there! I just want to be in love. I'm not asking for much :( Or am I?

After the storm there was calmity

It has been so difficult trying to write new posts. I need to carry my laptop with me from now on. So, it's been about 2 weeks since I've been talking to Hman again. Things are progressing, I think. I mean, as far as us getting along. Like I said before, I normally expect to see sudden changes right away, but since "he" is involved in the foundation then I should just accept and realise that the process will be slow. The transition from party girl to low-key girl has been rather smooth and quick.

We've been talking daily sorta kinda. After the break up I changed my mobile number. And to this day I have not given him the new one. I use to be a slave to my mobile. I would carry it EVERYWHERE WITH ME. To the washroom, to the gym, to kitchen, to the laundry room...no lie! And at work I'd have it right next to my keyboard, and as soon as I would see the phone light up I'd pray it was Hman. And when it wasn't news from him, I'd roll my eyes and cuss at the person who sms-ed me and delete their msg. So after changing my number I learnt to spend hours away from my phone. I hardly carry it with me. I hardly call anyone. I hardly sms anyone. I'm NO longer a slave to my mobile!

Hman and I communicate through email or msn. For now, it's been better this way. At the same time I can't help but have this unsettling feeling in my gut. We're civil, we're nice to each other, we're not arguing, there's truly a sense of calmity between him and I. And I'm SURE this can continue for a lifetime. But then what? In these past few weeks I took a good look at myself. In the past I have had the lowest self-esteem. But it was because of the shitty long distance relationship him and I had. It really affected me. He didn't like my lifestyle and what I considered as "fun times". So after years of struggling, I decided "screw it, i dont want that party-drunken life style!" I kicked it to the curb definitely. I'm a much happier person. I'm calm. If I gain weight I no longer have to kick myself in the ass for drinking so much. The weight gain is due to all the FABULOUS and DELICIOUS food I've been eating on all those nice dinner dates I've had with my girlfriends.

This pure life style is great! But of course it makes me wonder "If this is everything he's ever wanted, why does he choose to stay so far away?" And a part of me believes that he's just playing it safe. He probably thinks that my life style choice is just a temporary thing and that soon enough I'll want to go back to my old ways. Perhaps I should just be patient. This serene life style is helping me appreciate the simple things in life. I enjoy sitting at home watching the telly with my mum. I enjoy playing catch with my dog, Winston. These are small things that I am now looking forward to.

I walked into "Kohler" yesterday. I stepped out to make an office errand, and getting back to the office was not urgent. Two years ago I helped Hman pick out and decorate the apartment that we were "suppose" to be living in after we got married. We were back in his country and we went to all those bathroom and kitchen remodeling stores. My heart was not fully into the whole "picking out bathroom sinks" deal. I guess a part of me knew back then that we weren't going to get married and there was surely no point in getting ecstatic and happy about picking out home remodeling stuff. But yesterday when I was at Kohler alone, I was so happy. I was in awe with all the bath tubs and shower heads, and even toilet seat! I was thinking to myself that perhaps I should JUST buy a house. I do have a bit of debt but buying a house will be something to look forward to. If I buy my own house I'd be able to choose ANYTHING I want. All the colors and textures, sinks, bath tubs, shower heads, wall paint, shower curtains, all the lighting fixtures I WANT. I wouldn't have to negotiate with my significant other. I'm sure not good at doing that. It takes me years! But yeah, I think I want to buy my own house. And theeeeeen consider getting married. I think it's a splendid idea! Good job, Woman! So with this new mature mentality, does it mean I'm growing away from Hman? There were times when I couldn't imagine, nor did I want to, life without him. But now I'm looking forward to the future and purchasing something so big as a home by myself. I will allow the next few weeks determine what road I should take. My eyes are widely open. I'm actually taking the reigns and gaining control. I could get use to this ;)

Al Nakbah

You know what really grinds my gears? The 60th Anniversary of the Birth of Israel. It's been 60 effing years that such a repulsive, criminal, occupational peace of shit establishment has been existing. Perhaps I shouldn't say "existing" because doing so would give them too much importance. But nevertheless, the criminals have been occupying Palestine for the last 60 years. And that's just WRONG! I hate the MSN/Yahoo articles that state "Israel: triumph and victory...60 year anniversary." I want to punch the phucker who wrote such an article. If you consider killing innocent women and children, or leaving the ones that survived fatherless, a triumph, then you are just SICK! Mass migration to a country and then claiming it yours is ILLEGITIMATE. The U.S bitches about immigrants and huge waves of immigration in that past couple of years. Yet at the same time they have been backing migration to Israel for the past 60 years and allowing for the state of Israel to be unlawfully established. Migration to Palestine is acceptable, but Migration to the U.S is unacceptable,is that right? I don't see Mexican nationals coming to the U.S and trying to confiscate land to expand Mexico. I look at the pictures of the Palestinian Diaspora and the sadness in their eyes drives a dagger straight into my heart. One day, inshallah, that sadness and meloncholy will no longer subsist in their eyes and hearts. The Palestinians will one day rejoice and reposses the Land. The Promised Land will be THEIRS. The Jewish Nation broke the covenant thousands of years ago, they lost their opportunity in God's eyes. In the end, the trespassers will cry rivers of blood. And Falasteen will once again thrive and prosper, INSHALLAH! Can I get a "Takbir" ?