In limbo...

I don't even know where to begin....
I've been wanting to desperately write a new post. I was afraid of logging in and doing so at work because of all the nosey bastards that always find a reason to come by my desk. They'll be talking but staring straight at the screen. How RUUUUUUUUUUDE! I know its work and all and perhaps I should be doiiiiiiing my work, but I know I NEVER do that to another co-worker. I have manners! They apparently dont.
Last week I spoke to Hman. I unblocked him from msn (i had to block him because it would kill me to know he was logged on and wouldnt even bother messaging me.) So, i unblockd him and we started to talk. The only way to describe our conversations is by using the word "civil". Our dialogues are definitely not like they use to be. But we definitely aren't arguing like before. I asked him to allow us to get back together. He said no without hesitating. He has his reasons, and I finally see why. There were times that I was not the best gf/fiance. I admit. It really blows that it took me a huge break up, and losing him to finally realise that what I was doing was wrong. But I do hold 'distance' a vital reason of why I couldn't control myself. We had a long distance relationship(im talking about looooong distance, seas between us and shit!). Overall I loved/love him. But having him away for 75% of the time killed me and obviously drove me to do stupid things. Many will argue, "but if you claim to love him so much why would you hurt him so many times?" 1) I was insecure most of the time. 2)I felt like i needed to see someone face to face here. I needed some physical interaction ,in other words. 3)He wasn't a saint himself, he did do some dumb things, which lead me to do STUPID things. I always do things on a much larger scale. I'm NOT saying Im proud of what I've done. I'm just pointing out the difference. So, yeah, that was basically it. I know things would have been so much different had he lived here.

I know you can't CHANGE a person. They will always remain the same. I just wish he was more open. Not open-minded. I've ALREADY accepted the fact that he is a very traditional close minded man. And in many ways, I love that about him. But I just wish he was more comfortable around me. It's been years, and he still doesn't put his wall down. I feel like that has stopped us from progressing. What can I do to make him open up to me?
I've never had to deal with someone so complicated and stubborn. He isn't "a challenge". I don't just want to solve this problem. I want to definitely rebuild a healthy and strong foundation with Hman. He finally agreed to it. I guess I just expect things to progress quickly. They sure aren't. He's still keeping to himself. He still isn't comfortable. He still isn't at ease. I don't know what else to do. I pray for patience and strength. I've seen my faults and I know I definitely want to change my lifestyle. He would hate for me to go out and drink. It's obvious that would piss any boyfriend off, but he hated me going to certain places which he thought would ruin my reputation. I was blind to see that. I didnt see anything wrong in what I was doing. I had to keep busy while he was away. I just kept telling him "then MARRY me already!" But that wasn't a good reason to marry someone. Its wrong to marry someone just so they'd stop going out and drinking. That only gives a marriage a rocky start. I was so stupid.

I have matured these past few weeks. I don't know if y'all will believe me or not. But I definitely know I have. My eyes have seen all the wrong and poisonous things that affected our relationship. I actually saw it and said to myself "Holy shit, HE WAS RIGHT THE WHOLE TIME! Wtf was I thinking!" Seeing it with my two eyes was the only way of understanding it tho. Losing him and being alone made me appreciate what we had. Maybe I'm stating the obvious. That's life for ya.

I'll keep you all updated on the foundation progress. Inshallah things come together, and he'll loosen up and put down that wall. All I can do is pray, and keep my word. There's no way I'll go back to my old ways.

Disturbing dreams

Last night I had another dream. And again H-man(my ex) was in it. It was so weird and uncomfortable. It made my stomach queasy. And I just couldn't stop thinking about him all day. Which totally sucks, because I can't seem to function properly when he's on my mind. In my dream I remember being back in his country. I remember being in his living room, where we'd spend most of our time. We were very close to having sex, when all of a sudden we heard his mother approaching the living room and we panicked and sat on different sides on the couch. Then we somehow were back in the U.S and we were in what seemed to be my house. And again we were about to have sex. I was wearing, what I thought was something, cute and sexy. But before we were going to do it, he started complaining about what I was wearing. I remember feeling so down because I knew that it wasn't what I was wearing the turned him off, but rather, me :(. I hated him so much in my dream. I lay in bed half awake and half asleep, and I was analyzing my dream and his personality. He wasn't attentive, nor was he romantic. All I could think about after my dream was that the only thing he liked was having sex with me. He always said he fantasized about me. But in the last few months he was talking about threesome and what not. He always said that I should feel comfortable about it because it was just "fantasy" and never real. But after those talks, I realize that perhaps that was his way of distancing himself from me. And it was my fault for going along with it and feeding into it.

After the dream I felt disgusted. Yesterday, I felt so good. I was on cloud 9, because I told myself "I'm moving on and it's his loss not mine!". And now I'm feeling like shit. A few days ago he said "Leave me alone. I've moved on. For my own sanity I can't be in this relationship." There was many times in the past when I felt the same. We'd have a lot of break ups, but never in the 3 years that we were together did he say that to me. Three years for me is a long time. Our families got to know each other through the phone (his family lives overseas and mine in the U.S) He stayed at my parents' house when he came to town. And I stayed at his parents' house whenever I went overseas. We had planned to get married. We named our first born child. We could have been happy, but sadly he paid attention to those people at work. It wasn't even his family that got involved in our break up! But rather the pathetic people at work! And to make matters worse, his ex-gf. He rejected me, and casted me out his life. Did I mean anything to him? I've had friends who have gone through similar problems, and I've always had something positive to say, because I always knew that their boyfriends would come running back to them. And now, I sit here and wonder if he'll come back to apologize for the pain he caused. If he came back and apologized then perhaps I wouldn't feel like shit. Perhaps it wouldn't have an affect on my self-esteem. How could his heart betray me?

In the beginning....

Okay, where to begin....

Hi! How are you? We haven't met quite yet. But something tells me, we will get along juuuuuuust fine.
Let me begin by telling you that I'm starting a fresh new life. Perhaps that is why I chose to start a blog. It's suppose to be therapeutic. For the past 3 years I lived an uncomfortable and unhappy life. All 3 years weren't miserable, but there was definitely less ups than downs. I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship. So now I'm done with that shit and I've decided to start all over again. Believe you me, a few days ago I was balling my eyes out, I couldn't imagine life without him, nor did I want to imagine it. But today, Thank God, I woke up feeling so much better about life and the future. I even had a dream. I'll briefly describe it. In my dream we were at war. I remember chaos and people running hysterically, bombs being dropped. I recall talking to my ex's sister, and she informed me that he had died. I was desperate to hear him, I didn't want to believe his sister. But I kept getting a busy tone. So basically, in my dream, he was dead. I had to find out what this dream meant. I was told that acknowledging someones death in dream means that the feelings for that person are dimishing. For a split second discovering what they dream meant, made me feel sad. But at the same time, I was glad that the roller coaster, poisonous, demeaning, relationship was finally over. I would no longer have to put up with someone that put me down so much. Who would make me feel like shit. Who would make me regret pouring out my heart. Or regret flying half way across the world, just to see him and discuss things face to face. Weeks ago I flew to his country (18hrs away) just to talk to him because I felt like he was being distant. I risked everything. I risked my job, I lied to my family and told them I was going to Dubai, I absolutely did not have the money to even get there. But I did whatever it took to go and see him. A week after I came back, we broke up. He didn't appreciate my trip nor the effort I put into it, or the many risks I faced. So he is a prick. That's all I can say. He deserves no respect from me.
So now that that's out of the way, perhaps I could be myself. Aside from that horrendous relationship, I actually have a good life. Sure, I complain a lot, but my resolution is to enjoy life a lot more, and appreciate what I have. It'll take some time, I suppose. And I'll make sure you are able to come on this adventure with me. I'm looking forward to it, and you should too! :P