Trying to keep my cool

Aaaaaaaaaalrighty then! A few things have occurred that I have been meaning to talk about for the past few days. So, I think I should announce that me and al-Masri have been talking. There's no more hostility between him and I. Everything is fine now. We both realised that what he did was wrong and that he was a jerk and a dick and...what else? Well he knew was wrong in what he did and how he responded. I'm not saying I forgive him for what he said, but I do want to move on from that and quit hating him so much. Sooo, for the time being al-Masri shall remain on the BitchList until further notice.
On friday, my ex tried talking to me. Thing is, I haven't completely blocked him out of my life. He is unblocked on my MSN. So he messaged me asking why I 'had to be such a prick?' I swear this boy will never learn how to talk. A few weeks ago we spoke on the phone, things got out of hand, he raised his voice, and eventually swore. I said I didn't want to tolerate his behavior or him. So he kept swearing and I hung up. So on friday, he claims that he called back and only to 'apologise' for swearing. And he said that I was a jerk. I think this boy was daydreaming or on some good ass drugs cos there's no way he called back. I probably would have been a 'jerk', but after someone swears at you and says "You are the most phucked up person I have ever known", it's kinda hard to be nice and forgiving, and above all compassionate. He continued to talk about the good times, and how cute I am..bla bla bla. I don't know where he was trying to get at. But anyways, when I spoke to him I was at work. And since it's Ramadan, I just wander around the office or read a book. So I told him I'd be stepping away from my desk. That caught him off guard, he probably thought that I'd sit at my desk talking about the past and how few times we were actually happy. So he was like "ohhh..o..k" And I logged off. Later that afternoon I receive an email from his ex. Yeah, this is one thing I probably failed to mention. His ex-girlfriend was actually involved in our lives throughout our relationship. And he allowed her. Thinking that I was probably gonna stand up to her and reclaim my love. See, I may be the jealous type (to a certain degree) but if a guy is purposely TRYING to make me jealous, and especially with another female, I will casually tell her 'You can have my left overs'. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I told her a few years back. So this is the lovely email this biatch sends me....

"Shukran =) By letting go, you have done more good than you know Woman. God bless you and your family. Good luck in the future & inshallah you will find what you deserve. This email will be deactivated as requested (sorry I did not do this earlier, we had to make sure it was over). You can take it back when the hold period is finished.Ramadan Kareem & goodbye, Hiba."

First of all, I forgot to mention yet again that this girl stole my email account. I really don't know how, but ever since she has been emailing me from my old email account. And her name is not Hiba. Her name is Noora al-Khalifa, but she pretends there's a girl name 'Hiba', that actually knows Hman and her. She is pathethic. This girl is actually married. And yet she has been telling me to leave Hman for the past few years. If I were her husband, I'd beat the crap outta her for being involved in her x's life. Anyways, I responded to her. It's been 7months since me and Hman have actually been together. And I can't believe she is into all this drama! Must be that her life is sooooooo boring and pathethic that she finds the need to intrude in other people's lives. How sad is she :( boo hoo. Well, she responded to my email by saying:

"That brings releif to all our hearts, congratulations. Inshallah your new life keeps you busy and our paths no longer cross. The entertainment you received was the difference between the success & destruction of a pure human being. But alhamdilah the web of bad has been brought down, and we can all walk away for the better knowing the right thing was done and we are all better now without it. Take care of your people Woman. Bye."

Ok, I realise that sometimes when a foreigner learns a new language, they might be better at it than a native speaker. But I reeeeeeeeally think she is trying way too hard to sound mature and meaningful. Her english is retarded. That's just it. And what does "Take care of your people" mean?! She's a loser. And Hman is a loser. And now I'm starting to feel that they are both in on it. Tag Team! Reeeeeeetaaaaaaaaards! I'm past it. Ohhh and "our paths no longer cross". Oooooook! wateeeeeeeev! While I lived in Fuckrain, she would go out of her way to look for me. She knows how I look like up close. But I don't even remember her. All I have is a picture of her. Aaaaaanyways, I think she's going to hell for TRYING to make me angry while I was fasting. That's just what I think.

I had futoor at my house yesterday. I had a prior engagement. So I didn't have much time to cook and my friend Slim said that him and his room mate Yass would help me in everything. So I rushed home to prepare the space where we'd be at. Once everyone arrived everything was cool, a tad hectic, but all good. The boys really came through and cooked a lot of things. I was shocked and thankful. Here in the States I'm not lucky nor rich enough to have a maid, so I have to be the one running around making sure everyone is served and happy. I thought I did a good job at that. But, I just found out that according to Khaleeji Standards, my performance was poor. It upset me. But now, I'm like oh well. I opened my lovely home to Saudis that don't have family here so that they could have a nice and fun futoor. I made sure eveyrone was comfortable. But apparently that wasnt enough. I tried. That's all I gotz to saaay. Waaaaaaaaish.

Wattafeck

I'm really upset with my dream this morning. I aaaaaalways, without a doubt, think about Hman after I wake up for fajr prayer. And after I climb back into bed, I have the hardest time going back to sleep because he's on my mind and the thought of him being with someone else upsets me at that given time. But then during the day when I'm out and about the thought doesn't really bother me...not really. I guess I just don't dwell on it during the day. So this morning after fajr I had a good dream, which is why I'm upset. It's a good dream that I know won't come true. From what I remember right now, I went on holiday with my family, and Hman arrived where we were at and surprised me. I was so happy to see him. It was great. I hugged him and kissed him and he was soo happy to see me as well. I just remember being all over him because it all seemed like a dream (which it WAS!) I remember looking out a window, and seeing green freshly cut grass, beautiful houses, and a pond with a fountain in the middle. It was a beautiful scene. But I wasn't a part of it. I was inside a house looking out. And I wasn't sad as I looked out, I was pretty content.
I really don't know what these dreams are about. All I know it that I'm single. Wow..this is the longest I've ever been single. It's weird. I'm still not use to it. I REALLY have to get out there and DO something. I keep moping about this stupid love life. Which should only take up 20% of my life. I need to be more active. I should really focus on things that actually matter, and quit bitching about petty crap like this. I need to travel and meet new people. I shall! WHO'S WITH ME!?

It's not you...it's ME..so effin' what?!

YUP! It's me! Sooo i had kinda promised myself that I wouldnt talk to any guys during Ramadan. But al Tunisi kept forcing his way in. So I said.."aaaaalright boy, just for a little bit (diiiiirty minds!) I decided to talk to him for a bit. We talked things over last week. We decided to meet towards the end of Ramadan. We are both serious, so perhaps we could decide what we could do before he leaves to Tunis. He went as far as saying "we were meant to be together..." A little cheesy and a tad too optimistive but..cute indeed. So, again, FACEBOOK became the issue. A few months ago I happened to see that he had a profile on facebook that I wasn't able to view. I could only see his friends list and send a message. Sooooooo, after I saw that 9.5/10 girls on his facebook were females, i was like "Ewwwwwwww, He's a man WHORE!!!" So being the drama queen that I am, I made a big deal out of it. He brushed it off. I said "ohh welll screw it" and I got over it, but I still added him is as friend, and I was waiting for him to accept the friend request. Which he said he hadn't accepted because he is hardly online..bla bla bla.So now that we decided to get serious, I happened to search for his profile I noticed that he changed his profile pic. I still couldn't view his profile because it's semi private. And to top it off I can't even view his friends list. So I sent him a message, hoping to hurt him kinda...I said I did not wish to meet. Because I felt uncomfortable (his facebook profile deprivation) and he responded like an hour later "Ok...whatever makes you happy!!!!!!..etc etc" He said something else about dragging things and making the situation worse bc nothing serious was done. Dragging what?! I'm not purposely dragging things. Why would someone who CLAIMS to want to get serious deprive their "significant" other of an online social networking profile? He's a mature man, WHY WOULD HE EVEN HAVE FACEBOOK TO BEGIN WITH?!!! Ok...you're probably asking yourself..."what about you Woman? Aren't you a little old to have a facebook?" And my answer to you all is "NO!" I realise that it's only a facebook account. I shouldn't really care or really waste my time arguing about something so small and insignicant...BUT THAT'S JUST IT. If he's hiding something so minute as this it really makes me wonder what else he's hiding. I really don't like people that try to make themselves seem to be really good and pious. Why would you want someone to accept you for something that you're not? I saw that a lot overseas when I was living there. The girls in Fuckrain(wee lil island in the , try to seem so sweet and innocent, but after I got into the car with them, Lord have mercy! My mother always said "You have to be very cautious with the quiet ones." I don't like to hide things from people. If I have to fart, I just let it rip *pleeeeeeeeeeb* haha. I'm just messing witcha. All I'm saying is QUIT TRYING TO SEEEEEM LIKE YOU'RE SOOO INNOCENT AND PURE HEARTED. Another thing, I hate those people that especially throw it out there. I don't think its acceptable for someone to refer to themselves as 'pure hearted'. That's a word that someone can use to describe you! I think it's really arrogant if you use it on yourself.
I'm becoming more and more upset. And I'm fasting so perhaps I should just keep myself busy doing something else. Perhaps...WORK! Geeeeeeeeez Louise! I am procrastinating!!!! Stupid Boys! I blame them!!!! May God have no mercy on them for keeping me preoccupied from fasting properly and doing my work!!!

Rawmadawn

Well First of All....RAMADAN MUBARAK!
It's been a little over a week since Ramadan began. I am really happy about Ramadan this year!!! Last Ramadan, I was so weak and Hman had cancelled the wedding on Sept. 1st so things weren't going so well with me. I was in a deep state of depression. But al7amdullah this year things are so much brighter.
The weather has changed. As soon as Ramadan began it started to get chillier outside. Which is good for us living in the U.S. It sure beats the scorching heat during Ramadan. The cold autumn weather reminds me of the past. I know it may seem stupid and rather obvious. But I become nostalgic. I could clearly remember all the dates I've had. I have met so many nice men in the past. But why am I so lonely now? I'm starting to think it's me in some way. I subconsciously push men away. If I allow myself to dwell on the fact that I'm lonely right now, I will eventually fall back into depression. Last years' depression lasted about 8months. And a few days ago I began to fall, but I held my head up high and said "OHHHH HEEEELL NAAAAAW! EFF YOU DEPRESSION! *punches depression in the face*" I'm trying to keep my spirit high and firmly holding on to hope. Because I know that there's someone out there who's perfect for me. Who will accept all my flaws (which are not many! :P ) and who will love me for I am, not who I can become. I know he's out there. I just pray that God puts him on my path soon. I know he will come to me when I least expect it. Sooo..I'm gonna start 'pretending' like I dont care...and like I'm not expecting anything hehehe. It's aaaaall good. For now, I'm gonna simply focus on Ramadan, my family and friends. We're all healthy and that's all that matters!